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Monday, September 5, 2011

"House of the Dead" (Retro Reviews) Shame on Ewe - The Worst Movie EVER!

Retro Reviews are reviews I had written in the past about movies that deserve some recognition, good or bad. If you have seen it already, feel free to comment.

(originally written February/2004)

I have seen the future of bad film direction and its name is Uwe Boll.

The man beats out any director whose less than brilliant work I have ever had the displeasure to witness; not based on just one bad film, but back to back terrible films - The House of the Dead and Alone In the Dark.  If you have heard of the legendarily bad Ed Wood, his work is like Citizen Kane (or at least Weekend At Bernie's) compared to Boll's schlock.

Upon viewing, I was absolutely floored by the head to toe poor quality of the  "House of the Dead"; a plotless, poorly acted, scareless, senseless film.  The plot pretty standard for a horror film, a group of college students take a boat to a rave party on an island, only to find when they arrive there is no party, but there are zombies. Ohhhhh scary. In terms of plot, that was it.  The rest of the film is just a series of killings.  The film would have been more interesting if it was about a group of people that cannot afford the boat ticket and have to pickpocket zombies to get home.   No such luck.  A big tip off to the quality issues was that the biggest name in the film, Clint Howard - a bad sign.

Worst Creative Decision: During fights scenes Boll chose to edit in in actual shots of the video game to replace some of the action.  Perhaps, this was done because the production ran out of money or maybe some footage was destroyed.  Whatever the case, this was one of the poorest film style decisions I have ever seen.  Can you imagine someone discussing this during a creative meaning and it being authorized.  What really amazed me was this was not a technique used only once, it continued throughout the entire film. Simply terrible. Worst movie I have EVER seen.

By the way, it is called House of the Dead.  Where is the aforementioned house?  I feel cheated.

I went into Uwe Boll's next film not knowing he had directed it otherwise it would never had been viewed in the first place.  It was not until the cinematic turd known as "Alone in the Dark" was over that I forced myself to sit through the credits just to see who directed.  To my surprise it was genius director, Uwe Boll. Are you kidding?  They gave this guy a second chance?  He should have been tarred and feathered and run out of town.  (On a side note, I think this world needs more good old fashioned tar & feathering.  Ah, the good old days.)   "Alone in the Dark" is the story of Detective Carnby (Christian Slater - where did you go wrong Christian?) a man who investigates the supernatural. This broken story has a Slater trying to stop a mad scientist that wants to continue his twenty years worth experiments merging demons and humans.  Sounds great huh? It's not! The story is a jumbled mess only made worse by deplorable acting, cheesy sex scenes, numerous cliches and bad casting. NEVER scary, NEVER interesting.  Just what you may need to put you to sleep on a restless night.

Worst Creative Decision: Casting Tara Reid as a scientist.  She would have trouble playing a corpse and yet the casting director thought she could play a scientist.  Nice call.  It reminds me of when someone made Denise Richards a nuclear physicist.  I guess Jennifer Connelly and Meryl Streep were not available.

The most amazing fact is he is lined up to direct three more movies... all based on games.  Proof that Hollywood executives are fools.

1 star out of 10

I have not determined if the one star rating is either an average or accumulative, I did not feel like thinking about this dreck any longer...my time is too valuable, Uwe Boll already stole three hours of my life.

House of the Dead - Trailer:



Alone in the Dark - Trailer:

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